Filled with Anger

I Was Filled with Anger

To be more specific, I was filled with anger and didn't even know it!

Anyone who knew me when I was younger would be su­­­­rprised t­­­­­­­o read this as I was an agreeable, pleasant, nice girl. I did all the right things and didn’t rock the boat – good grades, Student Body President, impressive job, grad school—check, check, check, check…

My friends, family, and even I didn’t realize I was so full of anger because I’d stuffed it down so deeply. Of course, I didn’t consciously stuff it down—that would have required awareness of its existence in the first place.

After the birth of my first child, however, volcanic anger would well up out of nowhere, and I would explode!! The first time it happened was late one night when my son, less than a week old, would not stop crying. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, my nipples were bleeding and painful from breastfeeding, and I was out of milk—the only way I knew how to soothe him.

I Screamed at My Baby!

Exasperated, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “STOP CRYING!!!”

My husband, Niklas, rushed in from the other room, took our son, and calmly walked around with that tiny, innocent baby until he finally slept.

I just lay there and wept. Clearly, I was not going to be a good mom. Who does that?! Who screams at their new baby?! The uncontrolled outburst rocked me to my core. I think it scared Niklas, too, but we chalked it up to exhaustion, hormones, and lack of experience.

Eventually, things stabilized and life went on fairly smoothly, but these furious bursts would still pop up unexpectedly.

Then This Happened

A couple of years later, I had spent days scrubbing and organizing our house in preparation for guests from Sweden. While Niklas was at the airport picking up his friends, I realized one of the sofa cushions was soaking wet. My son had long finished potty training and I didn’t see a cup for water anywhere so I was confused.

I panicked. My heart raced, blood and heat rushed to my face. Please let it be water, I begged to some unknown entity as I threw my nose down into the fabric. It still wasn’t 100% clear whether it was urine or water.

I asked my son:

“Is this water or pee?”

“I don’t know,” he responded.

In my fake-controlled-calm voice, I asked, “How could you not know? You did or you didn’t. It’s fine either way, I just need to know.”

When he responded again with “I don’t know,” I blew up. I literally grabbed him and shoved his nose into the sofa cushion and screamed, “Do you know now? Can you smell it?!?! You have to tell me! Is it pee or water? You don’t pee on the couch! You pee in the toilet!”

In that moment, I had the sensation of being outside my body, watching myself crazed with confusion, fear, and anger. It was terrifying for both of us. Of course, my son became distraught and hysterical. I was shaking and so scared. I couldn’t breathe and sobbed uncontrollably as I apologized over and over, hugging him and trying to reassure him he was safe. Was he?

Could I Justify It?

I was exhausted and stressed from preparing for houseguests because I’m not a natural entertainer. I also realized I was actually mad that I had been doing all the work for my husband’s friends’ visit. In my mind I thought, If Niklas had helped more, this wouldn’t have happened.

To gauge if my reaction was normal or at least justified given the circumstances, I confided what I’d done to a friend with a first-born son the same age as mine. The shocked, stunned look on her face said more than her words. She told me I had “crossed the line” and had “anger issues.”

Anger issues? What is that? Am I such a bad person? I’m so “nice” though.

I Never Told Another Soul—Until Now

I held too much shame to ever share this with anyone again. But I did start exploring options to “fix” myself. I hated the way this hidden anger overwhelmed me and how my resulting behaviors negatively impacted the most precious people in my life.

Fortuitously, I had just begun my metaphysical journey.

The whole “healing” concept was still foreign to me at this early stage, but I persisted. Over time, the tools and techniques I studied, practiced, and integrated into my daily life helped me discover and transform my deep anger issues. Now, I feel equipped to deal with this and other strong emotions when they do arise.

What Happens When Anger Festers?

The two predominant news stories of last week—the mob violence at the U.S. Capitol and the 22-year-old white woman attacking a 14-year-old black teenager about her perceived stolen phone—had serious unhealed anger and fear at their core. It’s reductionist thinking to believe either situation was a result of differing political views and/or racism.

When we don’t identify and heal our inner, often invisible wounds, we create a negative feedback loop which can result in tragedy. This is why child, domestic, and sexual abuse are rampant. This is what perpetuates the patriarchal, political, and economic inequalities that create even more fear, frustration, and division—even death.

This is why I am sharing my anger story for the first time publicly. This is why I care so much about this work. It’s critically important for each of us to take responsibility for our own healing so that we can create a positive impact loop instead of perpetuating a negative one.

We’ve all heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people”. While that’s true, it’s no excuse, and we are all complicit when we accept the status quo.

What if those people in the mob and/or this young woman had had the skills to process their anger and fear in real-time? What if they had been aware they are spiritual beings and so are their adversaries? What if they’d understood that energetically we’re all connected so what’s good for the greater collective is good for them, too? What if we learned basic energetic management techniques and spiritual awareness and taught these skills to our children? What if our movies and media promoted collaboration over competition? What if…?

It’s Up to Each of Us

It’s up to each of us to take it upon ourselves to slow down, go within, look at our thoughts and beliefs and “issues”, and heal them if necessary—not only for our own evolution, but for the greater good of humanity.

Do I still get consumed with anger? Yes! Of course; I’m human. It’s just less volcanic, dangerous, and harmful to myself and others. I am beyond grateful to have tools available to process the overwhelm more quickly. I even welcome in anger since it’s such powerful energy and I can use it for a higher purpose.

If I hadn’t dedicated myself to finding and healing my anger, I can assure you my son would perpetuate his own uncontrolled wrath onto his children and so on. We certainly would not have the open, accepting, loving relationship we have today.

While some people see self-help practices as scams and ineffective, I believe active energy management can truly change lives—across society and possibly for generations!

Susan Moe of Ascended Presence is a clairvoyant reader and transformative life coach. Through her grounding and energy management courses, she can help you discover the deeper truth of your soul, and unlock your heart's greatest potential.