How Old Am I?

As many of you know I spent several months in Sweden last year, most of them with just my daughter and me.

A confluence of events changed my physical reality which spurred a change in my spiritual one:

• Going from a family of 5 to 2

• Living in a small apartment that took a fraction of the time to clean and maintain than a home with yards, pets, neighbors

• No cars meant no gas fill ups, oil changes, or punctures to deal with; no Costco runs

• Walking through the park to get groceries meant exercise and connection to nature were built into life, not a needed add-on

• The global pandemic stopping social engagements

I used the extra time and space for deep restoration (aka sleep) and introspection (aka meditation) with some surprising results.

After about two months, I emerged from that cocoon-like experience realizing I had aged 20 years!

Wait! What!?!? Shouldn’t I have felt 20 years younger?

Let me explain…

From my late 20s until my mid-30s, I felt like I was 25 inside. When I turned 40ish, I remember realizing that my internal age now felt like 32. Despite the years ticking by on the chronological clock, I still felt 32 inside—until last summer!

This is going to sound crazy, but I realized that I'm 52 years old!

Obviously, I knew I was 51 years old last year, 50 the year before, etc. But it suddenly dawned on me that I am actually 52 years old—weird I know.

Even with exercising and meditating and prioritizing sleep and being vegan and doing all the things, the reality is I probably have fewer years remaining than I’ve already lived.

#NotDepressed

Rather than being depressed over this (I kid-you-not) “shocking” revelation, I feel both relieved and inspired!

Relieved and Inspired?!?

From my perspective, the mindset of my 32-year-old self was still in the building stage. There is so much to look forward to, to strive for, to expect from oneself. I wasn’t conscious of it, but somehow, being 32 in my mind meant I still had time (or hope?) to make a positive impact on the world in a tangible, noticeable way.

When I matched my internal age with my chronological age, my perspective shifted on what I am here to do in this life—right here, right now—not in a “someday” kind of way.

Around this same period, I had a meaningful dream that helped me realize I would rather focus my time and energy working with people who were also dedicated to their own spiritual growth and evolution.

Because I know that when we heal ourselves, we create a positive impact cycle that goes far beyond our wildest imaginations. It's like when you drop a rock into a placid lake and those concentric rings just keep flowing out and out and out until they reach the shores on the farthest side.

The best thing any of us can do for ourselves, our families, our communities, and humanity at large, is to heal. Because when we are whole, we are strong and safe and courageous enough to give to others. We are generous with our time, energy, and support. We want to lift other’s voices, messages, causes, and businesses not out of obligation or because it will “look” good, but because it truly feels good to be in alignment with our values!

I see my role in life as shifting away from striving to make my own personal mark to supporting others make theirs. By focusing on the bigger picture, seeing how far those concentric rings will reach, I feel a deeper satisfaction with myself, my life, and my contributions.

Rather than lamenting, did I do something with my life? Or questioning, what was the purpose of my life? I no longer need to achieve some arbitrary level of “success” to validate the years of education and training I’ve put into my practice or my family.

I have become an elder; ready and able to support those on their own healing journey.

This is What it Looked Like

I’m sure you’ve seen movies when they rewind the film extra fast. This is how it felt to me, just fast-forwarding twenty years—it was a true mind trip. This radical perspective shift helped me overcome my resistance and fears to starting the Practicum. I didn’t have to wait to be polished and glitzy like my mega-conglomerate peers to be worthy of gathering people in community to do this meaningful work.

From the perspective of a 52-year-old on the inside, I feel alive and joyful and grateful for my life. It’s from this solid foundation of satiation and gratitude that I came to my two words for 2021—Collaboration and Regeneration—more on these next time!

In the meantime, I just wanted to share my experience because it describes just one of the wild and wondrous gifts we receive when we go within.

If you would like to learn about and practice the transformative energetic tools discussed in this Journal, join us in the Ascended Presence Practicum!